Rape. It’s no a fucking laughing matter.

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This following post may be disturbing and unsettling to some. *trigger warning*

Earlier on this evening whilst I was bored out my brains and couldn’t decide what to watch whilst scrolling through the endless ‘on demand’ progammes my virgin box had to offer, I decided to partake in a little harmless facebook stalking. We all do it from time to time. Looking at peoples pages you forgot existed and what not. As well as it not even beginning to cure my boredom, after a good twenty minutes, I ended up wanting to throw my laptop out the window. Not from exasperation or defeat at not finding anything hilarious to laugh at or anything worthwhile to help ‘better’ my life but because of one single image.

I am not however going to post this image as I happily blocked the person who’d posted it and hope never to pass such horrific imagery onto anyone else. I will however describe in some detail this horrendous photograph. *trigger warning* The photograph shows a young woman being offered a ‘cock sandwich’ as it’s put by a number of US Soilders captioned with a link titled ‘look how badly she got raped’ or something disgustingly similar. The image is blurred out in some parts but lets face it that’s not really doing anything here. The long and short of it is, this image should not have been uploaded.

Apparently it’s not meant to be a ‘joke’ or whatever and is instead meant to raise awareness of rape. Clearly which ever thick cunt’s idea it was to post an image of someone being assaulted to raise awareness is just that, a thick cunt. This happens to many people across the world and seeing even the slightest thing could spark off a panic attack or the like. Seriously, use your noggin and be more fucking considerate.

Go Die.

To cut a long story fucking short. Rape ‘jokes’ are not now, or ever, jokes. They are not funny. They are not ‘lads banter’. They’re fucking horrendous and I’ll happily smash my bottle of Stella over your head if I ever hear one come out your mouth. K.thnx.bye.

Shove yer Royal Wedding up yer arse.

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Britain. Let me tell me something you probably don’t know. Not because it’s not bloody obvious but because you’re blind as a fucking bat.

MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE ROYAL FUCKING WEDDING.

OMG. Shock fucking horror. It’s such a surprise that isn’t it. Since clearly everyone loves the Royal family and all the pish that comes with.

Should probably have these available to all free of charge.

Now, if I push to the side the fact that I couldn’t give a flying fuck about some Prince and his ‘commoner’ bride or whatever they are, there is actually some real bloody stupid issues surrounding this epicly wonderful event. What are those issues? Hmmm… here are just a handful:

  1. Education. It’s apparently meant to be important. But since the Royal Wedding has now been turned into a bank holiday school kids in Glasgow anyway will only be in school in April for a grand total of 6 days. WOW. And not even 6 consecutive days. BRA-fucking-VO.
  2. i) Money. Apparently this event is going to bring us in £900 Million quid from idiots buying tripe like commemorative tea towels, condoms and thimbles. Whoopdy fucking do. But we’re set to lose £5 BILLION because of lost working time. Now I might not be Einstein but them stats are, eh, how to put it… NOT GIID. Dozy cunts.
    ii) I wonder who is paying for this event… Oh yeah. Us. MMM TAXES. The cost of the overall wedding is still unknown but security for the event is costing somewhere between £2-80 MILLION. For that I’d expect to see them strolling up the aisle in a fucking force field.

    Can't touch this.

  3. Drunken Monkeys. If you think we’re a boozing country now… just you wait. Most of us will use the event to get Royally shit faced, excuse the pun, playing some drinking game of doom. So enjoy spending even more money ‘controlling’ those passed out in corners and fighting anything with a pulse.

So aye. Go and shove your Royal Wedding where the sun don’t shine. Cheers.

Chris Brown, yer naw even close to being a champion.

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I know it’s been out since February so I’m a little late on the band wagon. But whatever. I’m not here to diss the song. I actually quite like it. CRINGE. I am however going to diss Chris Brown and pick apart his lyrical ‘genius’.

In case you’ve not seen it it’s called ‘Champion’ and it’s by Chipmunk ft. Chris Brown. So here goes:

Why does it get on my tits? Ehm, because Chris Brown seems to think that what he did to Rihanna can now be pushed under the carpet and forgotten. That’s why. Now that his restraining order has been lifted he clearly feels so should the ‘burden’. WRONG. That’s not how it works mate. Fortunately. You have to pay for your actions. Unfortunatley, that’s probably never going to be the case. You are going to release an album you are going to continue to be a twat and will probably smack some other girl in the face whilst sprouting your sob story and bullshit to your millions of fans. Boo fucking hoo. Your life is so hard.

However, pushing that to one side here are some of the lyrics Brown sings, plus my thoughts on these amazing words of wisdom.

‘This gon’ be the realist shit I ever wrote
Off the records, no cameras forget a quote’
Good god then. I’d better listen. Maybe you’ll give an apology or something. AHAHAHHA. Who am I trying to kid? Course you’re not. You’re obviously going to tell us about the hard time you’ve had having to deal with this backlash. How stupid of me. *FACEPALM*

‘I used to see my momma getting beat down
Is that the real definition of me now?’
There is no excuse. I am genuinely sorry your mum was abused. But surely that should make you see it’s hella wrong and force you to want to turn out differently. Saying you saw this happen therefore you should be let off on the other hand… Naw.

‘I fell off, back on my feet now
Heading to the sky, can’t even see down.’
Smacking your girlfriend in the face doesn’t class as falling off. It sorta means you were never on in the first place. And no you’re not back on your feet now. You had a hissy fit in a dressing room because you were asked about said incident. Clearly you’re having an excellent ‘recovery’.  Oh also, Heading to the sky… I think you’re a bitty delusional if you think you’re on top of the world, wanker.

Award shows, I pour my heart out
And people still study trynna point my flaws out.’
What part of you’re lucky to be allowed to attend some of these shows are you struggling to understanding. Anyone who hits women shouldn’t be allowed to grab for sympathy because people are pointing out their flaws. IT’S A PRETTY BIG FLAW PAL. Stop yer whining and answer the questions. Take responsibility for your actions and grow the fuck up.

But I’m a champion, legend, history. ‘
Naw your a cunt, a wanker, and will probably be gone in 5 years time.

‘Some people have to learn’
Did hitting Rihanna help that? Did it make you learn? Ken what. I don’t think you have to hit a woman to know IT’S WRONG!

Aww. Am I meant to feel pity for you. GET TAE FUCK.

I reckon you need to learn that you’re not the victim here. The real victim is the woman pictured below. The women you beat up. Now, stop your greetin’ and please do us all a favour by fucking off.


VOMART

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I wish that when I thought of milk and food colouring the only thing to cross my mind would be baking wonderfully disastrous cakes. However thanks to Millie Brown this is no longer the case. Cheers love. Now I imagine you puking up rainbow milk onto canvases, apparently as a form of art.

This RIDICULOUS performance isn’t even  a one off, not that that would make it much better. Millie is known, or at least wants to be known, as a VOMIT ARTIST. Yes, double take, I did say vomit artist.

When asked how she began her ‘puking journey’ she replied:

‘I had no idea what i was going to do, but I wanted to create something very colourful and unique, then i thought how wonderful it would be to vomit a rainbow.’

Ken whit Millie, yer a dick. You couldn’t possibly just keep the milk in your mouth and spit it out if you really wanted to be a bit of a weirdo, could you? Do you not understand that for a lot of young people, especially women, purging themselves is in fact an illness and you vomiting a fucking rainbow does not better this awful situation. It in fact does the opposite.

In order for Millie to create these ‘masterpieces’ I’m presuming she must starve herself before hand since there ain’t no macaroni cheese or celery sticks coming up in chunks adding to the paintings artistic flair. Good one. Real healthy. Millie, for your information, I’ve seen more artistic flair in a fucking nursery. In fact I’m pretty sure I’ve seen more intelligence in a nursery. Most children are aware throwing up for any other reason than being unwell isnae good for you. Unlike you who believes there are ‘worse vices to have!’ so have never asked for a medical opinion on your habit. Aye, that’s what I’m calling it because it’s exactly that. Regardless of what you say.

Before anyone says, she’s not physically harming anyone and she can do what she wants to her own body. Yes I agree, but Millie doesn’t want to stop at her own body and she ‘would love to create a chain reaction if the crowd could all do their own colour.’ CLEVER. GOOD PLAN. Let’s have everyone vomiting for no reason now. You’ve created a new art trend, vomiting paint. Such an inspiration. Naw, ya cunt. Dinnae think so.

Now, I might not be a doctor but I can tell you, with confidence, that:
a) throwing up isnae good for your insides.
b) you should probably seek some mental health advice. Something’s not quite right.

However, if you folk happen to think this is wonderful pretty art why not go and buy yourselves your very own canvas of vomit. It’ll only set you back £1,500. And Millie, I hope for your sake your ‘artwork’ sells, cause veneers aren’t cheap and I’m pretty sure you’re gonna be needing a set in the not so distant future.

EPIC WINNING FAIL

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Translates to: Wanker from Earth

SHOCK FUCKING HORROR. The Charlie Sheen tour has turned out to be a pile of shite. Gutter.

But, no offence mate. What were you expecting? Something out of this world filled with tiger blood and adonis DNA? A total frickin’ rockstar from mars? If it’s Tiger blood you’re after I suggest you pay £13.50 and visit the local zoo and if you want to find a rock star from mars lets hope NASA start a Charlie and the chocolate style factory competition/ you’re a millionaire and a bit of an idiot.

Now I’d be lying if I say I didn’t find his week of ‘ultimate stardom’ hilarious at points, however, I’ll admit that it makes me quite the cunt. The man is clearly going/gone mental. I think it’s probably the latter. And not that I want to go into it to much but a sexist, abusive wanker. ANYWAY. I digress.

Apparently the show’s been getting awful reviews, such as, an “unmitigated disaster” – OMG. NO FUCKING WAY. I thought it was going to be a well thought out, rehearsed masterpiece. Of course. Why else would you pay £46.50 a ticket? Not because you’re a stupid fuck. Of course not. No.

The audience were reported to have started leaving after 15 minutes chanting ‘REFUND’. Soz pal but if you were expecting some new comic lines and unheard hilarity you were never going to get them. Know why? His week of mentalness wasn’t a show, it wasn’t made up and it was in fact probably him needing sectioned. You also expected to hear the ‘truth’ from a man who believes he’s a Vatican assassin. Really? I’m not sure who’re more mental. You or him.

Maybe I should feel sorry for you but then again, why should I? You were fool enough to spend your money on an unstable nightmare man who lets be honest was never going to produce anything that you can’t already, if you must, find FOR FREE on youtube. And sheen does make one valid point – “You paid your hard-earned money without knowing what this show was about.”

If I were you I’d just be ‘happy’ he even showed up at all.

Do your brains live in your bollocks?

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To any man saying ‘How would you know if childbirth is worse than being kicked in the nuts?’. You’re right. I don’t. But neither do you. However, how many men do you know who needed gas and air and hospitalisation after a swift kick to the gonads? GET TAE.

The latest fad on Facebook is this question section. Stupid as fuck and rather pointless but today I came across a question with over 70,000 voters and some of the most ridiculous comments I’ve ever read in my puff. I don’t know if what’s being said or the fact that they think they’ve made a valid argument is funnier. The question being:

‘Which hurts more?’

  • Giving birth?
  • Being kicked in the balls?

As it stands now the current stats are 26,464/59,317. But lets face it this question is never going to get a legitimate answer, it’s basically a battle of the sexes. As I’ve said above, I’ve never experienced either and I’m not here to try and preach my pain and tell you my story. Cause I don’t have one. Instead I want to piss myself laughing at the ‘valid’ arguments most men answering this question have put forward. I’d quite like to smack them the face with a hammer but I’m not sure that would end well for me. Unfortunately.

How many men are in this much pain for hours on end?

So here it goes:

‘most of these girls havent even given birth, so they havent experienced EITHER!‘ and ‘i don’t understand how so many girls who have never even gave birth can add their opinion…’
-These ones really gets on ma tits! GET TAE FUCK. I doubt you have to push a baby out of there to know that’s gonna hurt like hell. Tell you what, I have to vomit and curl up in a ball of pain for a week every month just to allow child birth to even be possible in later life. If that hurts I’m pretty sure child birth isn’t going to be a walk in the fucking park. And I’m also pretty sure that the 57,000 wankers who answered with b) haven’t all been kicked in the baws. But that doesn’t matter does it? They’re still OBVIOUSLY right

‘If pregnancy hurts more, then why do women want more babies after? You dont see us men asking for another kick in the bollocks afterwards :)’
– FUCK OFF. Firstly the two things couldn’t be less linked in that aye you don’t get anything decent after a swift kick to the bollocks but pushing that aside seriously why do you think women do it again. It’s totally got nothing to do with the fact it’s gonnae result in a child they’re probably gonna love. Course not. It’s cause it’s EPIC FUN and the best party ever. Gutted you can’t join in the fun.

‘You can get kicked in the balls no matter what the age….’
– LOL. Your point is entirely pointless. Well done.

‘Most women actually want babies. No man wants to be kicked in the balls. So it’s a retarded question. Deal with it women.’
So rather than blaming the ‘SILLY WIMINZ’ as the linking comment to this suggests you should why not blame the MAN who clearly created this ridiculous and god awful question before I find you and drop kick your face into the kerb.

‘Being kicked in the nads isn’t just physically painful, its a pride killer too =(‘
– Get over yourself. Giving birth isn’t just physically painful, it’s a fanny killer and a life as you know it killer too.

‘Half the people who voted “Kicked in the testicles” probably have never been kicked in the testicles. And if they have, they probably deserved it.’
– Now this guy I like. Kudos. But unfortunately there’s only a handful of guys who seem to get it and not let it dent their ‘pride’.

‘Both’
– This guys good. He’s right they both hurt. As much as you probably don’t believe it guys I’m not trying to say getting smacked in the nuts doesn’t hurt.

All this question really proves is there are more men on Facebook or that because you tell us we’ve no right to answer since we haven’t experienced it we’re banned. There’s no proof any one of you have been kicked in the bollocks but your arguments are allowed to stand regardless. However to try and put this into a language you thick cunts might understand. WOMEN CAN AND DO DIE FROM CHILDBIRTH. End of fucking argument.

Oops. Looks like we’ve mislaid the Mona Lisa.

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GET YER FUCKING ACT TOGETHER

Well naw exactly since we didn’t have it in the first place. But that’s probably a good thing since recent revelations suggest we’d probably have lost it anyway. Glasgow, and now Edinburgh have admitted to ‘mislaying’ not one, not two but HUNDREDS of paintings and artefacts from their museums and galleries.

Now I understand you have plenty of things to be looking after so I’d totally get mislaying or losing some shite piece of garbage art or the odd bone from a t-rex’s foot but that’s not the case here at all. Edinburgh’s National gallery of Scotland have admitting to losing NINE  “significant” paintings and Glasgow says that ‘634 items currently “unlocated to date”.’ GOOD YIN. Pat on the fucking back like.

It is however possible that many have been stolen. I’m secretly hoping that the workers you seriously under pay to look after these important items have set up a club are are now sniggering at your misfortune whilst counting the millions they’ve made selling these on the black market. But something tells me that’s probably not the case. So go and stop walking around looking important in your suits with your healthy giid paycheck and start making sure things important to our history aren’t getting mislaid dropped down drains or slyly removed in white vans by people dressed as ninjas abseiling down from the ceiling, ta.