I’m a lesbian. Not a fucking unicorn.

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Contrary to popular belief, lesbians are not mythical creatures – they’re not there for you to ogle over. They’ve not been put on this planet to help you whack one out whilst you stare at your computer screen either. I’m aware this contradicts what the porn industry feeds you, and I’m sorry to break your bubble but we’re real people and it’s about time you realised.  The reason I’m saying this is because I’m sick and tired of men and they way they often behave around gay women.

Some of the things straight guys say to/at (mainly at) lesbians, that are not now, or ever acceptable:

  • OH MY GOD. Kiss again *gets out mobile phone* – Seriously what makes you think that this is any shape or form acceptable behaviour? I wouldn’t ever dream of whapping out my mobile/camera to photograph or film you and your girlfriend kissing. Have some fucking respect.
  • You’re not gay. You’ve just not found the right man yet. – This is probably the most insulting thing you could say. How DARE you claim that this person you’ve met for all of three minutes doesn’t know their sexual orientation because they’ve obviously not met the right man yet. Usually they’ll go on to explain that the ‘right man’ is them. I’m guessing they’re hoping you’ll believe their bullshit and get into their bed.
  • You’ve not had a shot on my magic penis – I kid you not I’ve had this said to me more times than I count. The first few times it’s hilarious and after than you usually want to slap them a shot. LISTEN UP:  You do not have a magic penis, and even if you did you’re not going to get me on it. Give up. It seems that after a few drinks ‘No’ seems to be quite a hard word to understand, so you usually have to deal with this idiots presence for 10-15 minutes until they realise they really don’t have a chance and move onto the next unsuspecting woman.
    The amusing thing about this one is I’m sure it’s happened to me more in GAY clubs than any other. It’s like they set themselves a stupid challenge or something.
  • Want a threesome? – With you? Strangely enough – No. Don’t believe everything your porn stash tells you. If there’s a dude involved, I’m not in.
  • Can I watch? – Fuck off.
  • But you can’t have sex if you don’t have a cock. – You’re right, I don’t have a cock. 5 points for being so observant! However, I now feel for any woman you’ve ever/are ever going to sleep with if you think you only need a cock to make a woman come.
  • You’re too pretty to be a lesbian – Lesbian doesn’t mean Butch. Lesbian means girls who like girls. Straight folk don’t all look the same – chances are that means gay folk don’t all look the same either.
  • What are you looking at my girlfriend for? Want a fight? – The minute you’re identified as a lesbian some guys just can’t handle it. They think you’re damaging their masculinity or something. The fact you are actually a girl goes straight out the window and they’d happily beat the crap out of you to ‘prove they’re the big man’.
    The time this happened to me I was out with a bunch of friends. I knew his girlfriend and had just complimented her dress and asked where she got it from. This obviously translates to OMG YOU’RE CHATTING MY GIRL UP as lesbians clearly can’t be interested in girl things like clothes – especially dresses.

I’m aware a lot of people are going to read this and tell me to calm down or take a joke, but that’s just not acceptable. Soz. I am not in the wrong for telling people they are in the wrong  for doing any of the above. Respect that, ta.

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