Monthly Archives: March 2011

Do your brains live in your bollocks?

Standard

To any man saying ‘How would you know if childbirth is worse than being kicked in the nuts?’. You’re right. I don’t. But neither do you. However, how many men do you know who needed gas and air and hospitalisation after a swift kick to the gonads? GET TAE.

The latest fad on Facebook is this question section. Stupid as fuck and rather pointless but today I came across a question with over 70,000 voters and some of the most ridiculous comments I’ve ever read in my puff. I don’t know if what’s being said or the fact that they think they’ve made a valid argument is funnier. The question being:

‘Which hurts more?’

  • Giving birth?
  • Being kicked in the balls?

As it stands now the current stats are 26,464/59,317. But lets face it this question is never going to get a legitimate answer, it’s basically a battle of the sexes. As I’ve said above, I’ve never experienced either and I’m not here to try and preach my pain and tell you my story. Cause I don’t have one. Instead I want to piss myself laughing at the ‘valid’ arguments most men answering this question have put forward. I’d quite like to smack them the face with a hammer but I’m not sure that would end well for me. Unfortunately.

How many men are in this much pain for hours on end?

So here it goes:

‘most of these girls havent even given birth, so they havent experienced EITHER!‘ and ‘i don’t understand how so many girls who have never even gave birth can add their opinion…’
-These ones really gets on ma tits! GET TAE FUCK. I doubt you have to push a baby out of there to know that’s gonna hurt like hell. Tell you what, I have to vomit and curl up in a ball of pain for a week every month just to allow child birth to even be possible in later life. If that hurts I’m pretty sure child birth isn’t going to be a walk in the fucking park. And I’m also pretty sure that the 57,000 wankers who answered with b) haven’t all been kicked in the baws. But that doesn’t matter does it? They’re still OBVIOUSLY right

‘If pregnancy hurts more, then why do women want more babies after? You dont see us men asking for another kick in the bollocks afterwards :)’
– FUCK OFF. Firstly the two things couldn’t be less linked in that aye you don’t get anything decent after a swift kick to the bollocks but pushing that aside seriously why do you think women do it again. It’s totally got nothing to do with the fact it’s gonnae result in a child they’re probably gonna love. Course not. It’s cause it’s EPIC FUN and the best party ever. Gutted you can’t join in the fun.

‘You can get kicked in the balls no matter what the age….’
– LOL. Your point is entirely pointless. Well done.

‘Most women actually want babies. No man wants to be kicked in the balls. So it’s a retarded question. Deal with it women.’
So rather than blaming the ‘SILLY WIMINZ’ as the linking comment to this suggests you should why not blame the MAN who clearly created this ridiculous and god awful question before I find you and drop kick your face into the kerb.

‘Being kicked in the nads isn’t just physically painful, its a pride killer too =(‘
– Get over yourself. Giving birth isn’t just physically painful, it’s a fanny killer and a life as you know it killer too.

‘Half the people who voted “Kicked in the testicles” probably have never been kicked in the testicles. And if they have, they probably deserved it.’
– Now this guy I like. Kudos. But unfortunately there’s only a handful of guys who seem to get it and not let it dent their ‘pride’.

‘Both’
– This guys good. He’s right they both hurt. As much as you probably don’t believe it guys I’m not trying to say getting smacked in the nuts doesn’t hurt.

All this question really proves is there are more men on Facebook or that because you tell us we’ve no right to answer since we haven’t experienced it we’re banned. There’s no proof any one of you have been kicked in the bollocks but your arguments are allowed to stand regardless. However to try and put this into a language you thick cunts might understand. WOMEN CAN AND DO DIE FROM CHILDBIRTH. End of fucking argument.

Advertisements

Oops. Looks like we’ve mislaid the Mona Lisa.

Standard

GET YER FUCKING ACT TOGETHER

Well naw exactly since we didn’t have it in the first place. But that’s probably a good thing since recent revelations suggest we’d probably have lost it anyway. Glasgow, and now Edinburgh have admitted to ‘mislaying’ not one, not two but HUNDREDS of paintings and artefacts from their museums and galleries.

Now I understand you have plenty of things to be looking after so I’d totally get mislaying or losing some shite piece of garbage art or the odd bone from a t-rex’s foot but that’s not the case here at all. Edinburgh’s National gallery of Scotland have admitting to losing NINE  “significant” paintings and Glasgow says that ‘634 items currently “unlocated to date”.’ GOOD YIN. Pat on the fucking back like.

It is however possible that many have been stolen. I’m secretly hoping that the workers you seriously under pay to look after these important items have set up a club are are now sniggering at your misfortune whilst counting the millions they’ve made selling these on the black market. But something tells me that’s probably not the case. So go and stop walking around looking important in your suits with your healthy giid paycheck and start making sure things important to our history aren’t getting mislaid dropped down drains or slyly removed in white vans by people dressed as ninjas abseiling down from the ceiling, ta.

Je M’appelle Princess ‘my parents are clearly mentally unstable’ Tiaamii

Standard

If I say what do the following things remind you of?

Tu Morrow, Moxie CrimeFighter, Pilot Inspektor, Audio Science, Apple, Jermajisty, Princess Tiaamii and Hero.

You’re probably thinking, shit, please don’t let it be the names of children. However you’d unfortunately be completely correct. These are just a handful of birth names given to those ‘privileged’ enough to be the spawn of a celeb. However, I’m sorry to say no amount of fame or fortune can save you from the monstrosity that is now on your passport, birth certificate and school register. And it’s certainly not going to save you from the bullying you’re more than likely to receive in later life.

It might be the now thing to do but seriously do any of you morons think about the shit you’re setting your child up for in the not so distant future. Celebrity culture changes at the same rate most people change their knickers. Daily. Just because you’re vaguely sought after today does not mean you’re going to acknowledged tomorrow and naming your poor child something ridiculous is not going to change that, you self absorbed fucks. By the time they start high school are you really going to be ‘hot topic’? Actually aye, maybe. But not in the way you intended. You’re probably going to hot topic amongst fellow parents and pupils thinking dear god what were you thinking/LOL?! So go and do us all a favour. Stop trying to make headlines and don’t name your child after a joke. They’ll probably only grow up to hate you for putting them through so much shite anyway.

Get born, get school, GET UNI, get job, get car, pay tax and find a wife.

Standard

These days it seems unless you plan to attend university the minute you’ve finished school then  you shouldn’t really be acknowledged. So much pressure is put on children to know what they want to do, or at least have an idea, by the time they’re thirteen. When expected to pick their school subjects they’re told to choose ‘wisely’ cause it could affect them in the future. At thirteen I knew I hated the 8:30am school start and despised having to wear a tie, but ask me what I wanted to do with my life and I’d stare you blankly in the face before neglecting the question and shrugging my shoulders. Not because I wanted to be the biggest pain in the arse on the planet, I already had that title by then, but because I, like most people that age, genuinely was clueless. So why is the need to go to university still thrust upon us from such a young age?

Ken whats a better challenge? Deciding if it's right for YOU!

When I was in my final year of high school we were sorted into registration classes based on whether they thought we would go on to higher education or not. This was also, of course, decided before asking any of the students themselves. And Why? What fucking good does that do anyone? I was placed into a class who WOULD go on to university and when I informed my guidance teacher I planned to take either a gap year or attend a basic college course to make sure I definitely wanted to spend four years of my life studying this subject, she tried her damned hardest to change my mind -“But you’re REALLY clever.” or “Why waste another year of your life if you could get in now?”  Of course she lost. I’m a stubborn cunt. But I’m glad I’m a stubborn cunt, I did it my way and I’m now happy. However, there were plenty of people who didn’t do it their way. They instead listened to the schools advice. They were told ‘I know what I’m talking about’/’I’m older and I know better’ and have now either dropped out or have no idea why they’re studying the course they’re studying. There is no denying they’re clever but that still doesn’t stop them from wanting the fuck out of higher education. They hate it.

Now I’m not saying this is for everyone. For some people, yes, going to university straight from school is the best option and they love it. But there will be an equal amount of students who are probably thinking the opposite. Just because you’re clever doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to work out what it is you really want to do first. You’re probably about to get yourself into a ridiculous amount of debt, so why not make sure it’s semi worth it, y’know?

And what about those kids who just don’t see the appeal of university or college. They want to leave school and go straight into a job. Good on them. Why not? So why is this often frowned upon? Why should they be pushed aside? Why does the majority of the education system write them off? Fuck this brighter future shite. A bright future is one in which the participant is happy. Higher education or not.

I am fourteen going on fifteen twenty.

Standard

Justin Bieber, Willow Smith and Miley Cyrus. What do they all have in common? They’re all pop stars. They’re all ‘hip’ and ‘now’. They all seem to be icons to the youth of today. And this is the way it’s been for them from about the age of eleven. At that age I didn’t care about fashion, money or success. I walked around in my gap hoody wearing my buck teeth smile and centre parting with pride. I enjoyed my childhood for what it was. A childhood. But it seems these days that a childhood is a thing of the past. With kids as young as five wearing make up and by the time they’re in double figures having a wardrobe that would rival most ‘fashionable’ twenty somethings surely we should as a society be realising enough is enough?

Nine year olds of the nation. THIS is obviously how you should look!

I myself have a younger brother. I’m twenty and he’s fourteen. We were both brought up by the same parents, in the same house, with the same rules. All be it six years apart. However, if I look back to when I was ten, I hadn’t a care in the world for beauty or fashion. My hair probably looked like I’d been dragged through a bush backwards most days and my outfits like they’d been put on in the dark. But by the time my brother was that age he was already spending longer in the mirror than I reckon I do now. Making sure his hair was in the right place. That his outfit matched. Making sure he looked ‘cool’. I thought it was strange at first and then I noticed they all do it. His whole generation. They’ve been brought up believing that to be successful or to be someone you have to be ‘beautiful’, you have to be ‘cool’, you have to be noticed. There are fourteen year old girls that turn up on our doorstep for a movie night wearing heels and the latest see through top shop fashion, fake tan galore and enough make up to sink the Titanic, joined by fourteen year old boys wearing the latest, expensive yet seemingly boring jumpers with hair that doesn’t seem a millimetre out of place. Yes they look pretty/handsome and they look happy, yet I can’t help but feel somewhat sorry for them. This childhood-less generation. They’ve been doing it since before their teens. It’s a normality. But then I guess they don’t really know what they’ve been missing. Read the rest of this entry

Eh… The cooncil called, they want yer hoose back.

Standard

Take yourself back to the summer of 2008. Apart from pretty decent weather and the fact I got to go on a summer holiday there was another, pretty momentous, reason for it to be remembered. The Beijing Olympics. But the problem is, I’m not only remembering it for the fantastic ceremonies and most importantly world class sport. I’m remembering the controversy surrounding the building of their Olympic stadiums.

Looks pretty fucking snazzy right? I bet to you it does. But imagine being one of the thousands of people forced out of their homes and off their land to make way for 16 days of WOW factor. I bet you wouldn’t even be able to stand the sight of the thing. That is, if you ever get the chance to see it in person. What with being cleared up off the streets and all.

Now I bet you’re wondering why I’m writing a post about something that happened two years ago and well to be honest is pretty much seen as ‘old news’? Well fast forward to Glasgow 2014. I can’t tell you what the weather’s going to be like and who knows if I’ll go on a summer holiday, but one thing that’s for certain is Glasgow is going to be the next host for the Commonwealth Games. But what’s this got to do with the Beijing Olympics? Well, other than the fact they’re both massive sporting events. Eviction.

For your information. The logo looks like shit.

Yep. Our country is in fact quite the fucking hypocrite. You couldn’t stop explaining your anguish and shock at the poor people being unwillingly forced out of their homes and away from friends and family, to make way for a structure only a certain kind of person would ever be able to make use of. However, guess what. Now you’re doing the exact same thing. Don’t bothering trying to defend yourself by saying that it’s not on the same scale and you’re not trying to evoke a ‘big city clean up’. I couldn’t give a fuck. Eviction is eviction on no matter what scale.

Good on Ya.

So here’s the story: Margaret Jaconelli, alongside her husband, was evicted from her home of 34 years to make way for what? A fucking athletes village. Not only was she evicted from her home, but rather than showing even the tiniest bit of respect by giving her maybe a new, all be it, shitter, probably in the middle of nowhere, flat the council offered her £30,000 to fuck off and find one herself. Now I’m not being funny here but where can you find a home for £30,000? After taking them to court and unfortunately losing, the council did however offer her another £60,000. So now she’s not their business. She’s got enough money to find somewhere, anywhere to live. She’ll have a home. Next story please. But naw. Hold the phone. Just because you have a box to rest your head at night doesn’t make it home. What makes a place home is 34 years worth of memories. Memories the council have destroyed without a second thought. And what for? A place for a few athletes to rest their heads for 14 days. That’s what for.

NEWS FLASH: There’s naw a cure for homosexuality.

Standard

No matter how many times their products piss us off and break or how much they kill our bank balance the world still goes crazy for Apple. And that’s not something I expect to end any time soon, or even at all. I myself will happily admit I have been sucked into their vast technological web and certainly don’t plan on leaving it any time soon. However, there are at least two incidents recently, that I am aware of, where apple have passed Anti-Gay applications. And no matter what planet you’re from, that’s fucking outrageous just not cool.

The latest stupid as fuck app passed is one which supposedly offers the user ‘freedom from homosexuality’, or to put it simply a cure for being gay. Since it’s apparently not obvious to all let me spell it out for you. THERE IS NOT A CURE FOR HOMOSEXUALITY nor is there a need for one. And if you happen to be one of the sick fucks who believe there is, it’s about time you shut the hell up and stopped spreading your shite. k.thnx. bye. This pile of bollocks which is apparently:

‘committed to encouraging, educating and equipping the Body of Christ to address the issue of homosexuality with grace and truth.’

Is simply just that. A PILE OF BOLLOCKS.

Aye. OBV. We all live a life like Paranormal Activity. SO PLZ CURE US CUZ IT'S SCARY.

The one approved prior to this named ‘Manhattan Declaration’ was apparently ‘a call of Christian conscience’ allowing people to sign a document in order to show their support towards standing against gay marriage. Wankers.

Obviously someone at apple is passing these horrific applications cause I’m simply naw gonna believe it’s an act of god or some other shite. Totally not sure why though. I’m also not sure how a company who earned a 100% score from the Human Rights Camaign’s Corporate Equality Index have allowed this to happen not once, but twice. It’s a fucking outrage.

So, what’s next apple? The passing of an application supporting the KKK with some sort of built in tracker, allowing the user to pin point the exact location of all black people in their vicinity? Naw, didnae think so. Cause that’d obviously be wrong. So why the fuck did you pass this and others like it? SILLY CUNTS.